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My gf and I are curious about BDSM, don't know how to start? No worries, we're both adults. We're both female, too, if that matters.
We've done some very basic experimenting (very rough biting, for example, that leaves black bruises and sometimes draws blood), but we're both pretty clueless as what to do next. I mean, we don't want to like, jump straight to anything extreme, like hanging from our nipples or anything, lol, but do you know what we could do to take the next step? Ideas, or where to turn to for ideas? | Try some light bondage at first
handcuffing each other to the bed and being extra aggressive
you can use hot candle wax and try hair pulling and light spankings... that's just very light stuff to get started... but do whatever you feel is right and don't just jump into anything heavy but have fun :) | How to stop wanting degradation? i have this thing of wanting to be degraded and dehumanized in the very most extreme ways. My fantasies of this are very extreme and powerfull. What I have experienced with others in reality through bdsm is extreme as well. I have been told this and many simple refuse to treat me as badly as I desire. When this happens I feel like I deserve it even more. Several doctors have told me I am a risk to myself. I don't seem to care I would rather live for say only a few months in the most extreme abuse then live for years the way I am now. Do others feel this way? | | sounds like at some point in your emotional development years you mixed up abuse for love...try talking with a therapist to see if you can't regress to where this thought pattern started and then maybe you can correct it | What is the purpose and need behind BDSM? I personally think it signifies an emotional imbalance where there has not been adequate/sufficient nurturing of the psyche. Why would a person need to submit to being humiliated/tortured in order to function in their everyday life.
I know that some will say, "Why do we do A, B, and C?" While there is something to be said regarding why we do anything, I think that BDSM is an extreme, going beyond the realm of positivity and nurture to a world of darkness and pain.
What's your take?
And please don't take offense. I personally only know what i've seen on websites. If these sites aren't a correct representation of your lifestyle, please let me know.
Thanks. | The vanilla vs. kinky bit is just an easy way of saying whether you are or aren't into it. I've never seen it as a disrespectful way to label those who don't enjoy 'kink'.
For me, personally, the whole 'kink' label makes *us* sound strange, and it's a pretty sexualized word, as if the sexual is all we're embracing in life. Win some/lose some I guess haha =o)
I don't believe BDSM is about unbalanced people at all, there's some real crazies who hide under the guise of BDSM and they *are* surely ****** in the head, but they're the minority. There's just as many, or more, "vanillas" who are apeshit crazy, so this isn't a BDSM issue to me at all. Religious nuts don't make all religious people crazies bent on mayhem, I don't see why this should be any different. There's fuckups in *every* group out there.
The best way I can explain the purpose and need is that this comes naturally to many people. This isn't just a small group of whackjobs, there's a good chance you know at least a couple people in life who are very deeply into this, but you'd never know it unless they told you. We live very "normal" lives for the most part. We're doctors, lawyers, Mothers, Fathers, best friends, you know? It's not all dungeons and leather haha =o)
As much as the sort of partner you look for comes naturally to you, all of us BDSM people are naturally drawn to others who are into the "lifestyle".
The same way you have your needs and purpose for being in a certain romantic relationship, we have the same, they're just different from what you search for.
For many of us, this is something we naturally were inclined to but avoided it for some time because of this whole idea of it being wrong, crazy or mentally defunct. Most I know went through a phase of trying to "turn off" certain desires, feeling it was "abusive". That couldn't be further from the truth. It's part of a deep, spiritual connection for many of us, just as romantic relationships are for "vanillas".
The time in my life where I first let myself do what came naturally without reservations was one of the most precious phases of my life. It's second nature to me now, but I can still appreciate how far I've come.
It's just another way to connect with our partners, simple as that. Something we share with one another.
Then obviously you have the people who do *just* want this for sexual pleasure, but I didn't focus on that because people tend to say that's "ok" or "good". Seems to only be seen as "imbalanced" when people do this as more than just a sexual role play. For many, this is the way their entire relationship is, it's not just bedroom games.
It always bothers me that things we do are so "fun" for "vanillas" but then by their judgment we take it "too far" and suddenly it's imbalanced. Doesn't seem a very fair or logical way to think about things to me.
** Having skimmed some other answers, I have to say that there are quite a few nimrods within the "lifestyle" (I hate that word, but it's too common to replace...makes it sound like we're freaks while completely underestimating the relationships, great combo =o/ haha) who will try and claim these relationships are the "truest" or the "height" of sacred love and union....that's complete bull. These people don't represent the majority who fully acknowledge that *all* relationships can be horrid or perfect for anyone, regardless of any other factors.
Being into BDSM does *not* mean we're achieving some kind of height that nobody else can. That's always pissed me off, makes those who don't know any better think we're ******* elitist scum. Not true at all for the majority. | Does anyone have experience with the husband wearing a chastity device? My husband has been asking me to try a fetish lifestyle where he wears a chastity device and I hold the key. I never really knew they made chastity devices for men until he showed me picture of several different kinds that he found on the internet. We have been married for 15 years and he says this will add some spice to our sex life. At first I though it was either some kind of a joke or something for people into extreme BDSM - but he says it is really just a mild from of domination and that I might like the aspect of having control which I must admit does interest me a little. Some of these devices are $150 or more. He also tells me i have to learn to role play the part of a "chastity mistress" and use "training techniques". Anyone else doing this and having fun? He tells me this is more for married couples who have been together for a while. I am interested to hear what you have to say. | I have been in the lifestyle for about 5 years. I am a Domme, which means that I have the control. Whilst I have not had any submisives that want me as their keyholder, I believe I can answer your question. IF you and your husband wish to explore this area, you BOTH have to decide how far you want to go. You do not HAVE to play any parts that do not appeal to you. Nor do you HAVE to use training techniques. You can if you want~obviously.
As far as your husband saying that it is a mild form of domination, he is correct; there are much more extreme forms: whippings, brandings, and FEMDOM to name a few. However, keep in mind that ALL are consentual--it is one of our hallmarks.
Also, please know, that because we practice this, it does not make us sick perverted individuals...our trademarks are Safe, Sane, Consentual. | Can someone with experience in CBT/ BDSM help me? Okay...
Bit of a strange question I know..
But can anyone tell me the ideal way to tie up your balls (like in cbt videos but a little less extreme)
? Or can anyone direct me to a website that illustrates how? | | I'm sorry, I don't have any to tie up. I am experienced in kicking them though. If you have a question about that, I'll be around. | Is it illegal to pay someone to defecate on you? I'm not sure. I have heard of places in the BDSM community where people are voluntarily caged or tied up or smacked around....and they pay for this service...and its perfectly legal from what I heard. Just wondering if this extreme version is legal as well. | | Nope! | Any Military guys or gals into such a thing? How many of you are interested in BDSM? It is odd and strange to ask, but I am told Military people after going through tough training they have a need for the extreme, and that goes for sexual encounters as well.
What do you think? Any of you ever wanting to take a wild ride? | Actually, I have never met anyone in the military who gets into that kind of thing and I am willing to bet that the percentage of military that are into BDSM is lower than it would be in the civilian world.
From what I have read it appeals to people who lack control in their lives and are searching for a need to be filled. Military people are very disciplined in their lifestyle and probably aren't looking for more. | Link between bdsm and sexual abuse rape? hey guys as you can see from my previous questions i had a few issues i need resolved and thanks to all of your help im doing really well and im dealing with my problems. but i wanted to know if there was a link btwn sexual abuse and rape with BDSM. i was raped by my ex a few months ago and since then i dont even like to be around men, when one tries to pick me up i feel sick to my stomach but bondage in sex and watching BDSM porn is the only way i can get off and i feel terrible about it afterwords. before i was raped by my ex we had alot of those aspects in our sex life but the lines of yes and no were always very clear a therapist told me i feel comfortable with this because i was also molested when i was a guy,when i tried to have regular sex it made me uncomfortable same with porn that isnt extreme, i was just hoping for some honest feed back, im tired of being embarrassed and ashamed. | People resond differently to abuse. It could be yours is connected to how you are trying to protect yourself from the feelings of being abused, or something. It is individual.
If you can slow down and think through why you feel the way you do, and be honest, you will probably be able to sort it out yourself.
Or just go back and find a therapist who doesn't have to 'tell' you how you are or how you feel, and will help you find those things out for yourself.
eftmasters.com
SASH.net | Does this mean I want a BDSM relationship? I am normally attracted to guys who are either quite a lot older than me or much more intelligent and only a few years older. I like guys who are dominant and who I feel a little bit intimidated by (not scared of, just like that they can dominate me). I also tend to be with guys who are kind of bossy. Sometimes this makes me feel claustrophobic but it doesn't bother me to the point where I want to tell them to F off. I kind of like possessive guys because they make me feel wanted. Does this mean that I want a BDSM relationship? or just that I like traditional (and possibly outdated gender roles). I'm not into extreme stuff like extreme pain, but I do get really turned on by spanking. The idea of a guy grabbing me and spanking me because I've done something ''wrong'' drives me crazy, I fantasise about it a lot.. | No, I think you want a HOH 1950's style relationship. Domestic discipline is your goal.
Whereas it may be considered mental BDSM with spanking, it really falls outside the scope. |
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